There's nothing like the satisfaction of cranking out a whole mess of pushups. Or chinups. Or situps. Or seeing a horde of zombies coming, and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can outrun them.
Why do you have that knowledge? Because you're a Zombie Apocalypse Training Academy grad. That's why! ZATAcademy will prep your mind and body to take on any number of physical challenges, from mud runs to general all-round fitness, to actual zombie apocalypse scenarios.
The latter is just more fun and motivational. There's a new series starting October 6. It runs for 4 weeks or 8 weeks, depending on how much fitness you desire.
Class times are limited to first-come, first-served basis, so claim your team's time slot early.
Email RussFit@gmail.com or text 509.433.RUSS. Now. Train before the zombies come.
...do NOT wait until the zombies come! Train like your life depends on it. That means you need to get a little tougher mentally, and this workout will gently help you do just that!
After the "event" happens, what are your dining plans? Think about the options: Bread on the shelves at local supermarkets is going to be moldy within a few days, even with as many preservatives as they cram into them.
Pasta will still be usable, but that means you have to boil water over a fire, squat down and tend the noodles for a while, and then finally get to eat them. This puts you at risk of attack
Here's a better idea: meat. It's all around you--deer, cows, elk, chicken, rabbits, poodles...the list goes on! Yes, it takes more energy up front, but once you've cured a hundred pounds of it, you have enough for a long time, whereas you can't prepare a hundred pounds of macaroni in advance, stash it in buckets around town, and use it later. And while you're smoking it, you can still wield an axe, rifle, etc.
You Don't Build Muscle With Rice
Not only is it the freshest method to acquire Calories, it's also what your muscles desperately crave. Let's face it--you'll be sprinting, lifting chainsaws, wielding axes, chopping machetes, decapitating the undead...these things require rebuilding, and guess what? You don't build muscles out of flour and yeast or rice grains--you build them out of meat.
Worried about not getting enough carbs? Don't be. How many carbs do you think Vikings had access to? How many carbs do Eskimos consume? Are you, for some reason, assuming your body was designed to be unable to function until you've planted an acre of wheat, harvested it, mixed it with other ingredients, baked it, and THEN consumed it?
Ethanol in Gasoline = Carbs in Diet
Nay nay! Your body can run just fine on protein and fat, which are the two ingredients in--you guessed it--meat! Still not sure? Well, if you're the type who believes whatever he hears in the news, I'm not surprised. It's nonsense, and if you can't immediately tell why, you lack critical thinking skills which will probably make you zombie fodder in the first wave of hordes anyhow.
Think of it this way: your car CAN run on an ethanol blend, but it trashes valves, causes gum-ups, and has less octane than pure gasoline. Ditto for a high-carb diet in your body. It inflames your arteries, gets stored as excess fat which will slow you down, does NOT rebuild muscle tissue, and creates dependency. Switch your body's engine to high-octane meat, and survive the zombie attack.
Can You Go Meat Only?
In a SHTF scenario, you'll happily grab whatever food is at hand, and don't hesitate to do so. Just remember, if you want to stay ready muscularly, meat is your priority.
Read about these guys, who ate NOTHING but meat and water for a year, and were the healthier for it. Still worried? Try it for a week as a pre-apocalypse practice run. Come on--do you really think Vikings spent sleepless nights fretting about getting enough complex carbs and fiber to have a proper bowel movement? Act like a real man or woman, not a worried old lady. You have muscles to rebuild; focus on that.
Also consider this:
Ever hear of essential fatty acids? Yes.
Ever hear of essential amino acids? Yes.
Ever hear of essential carbs? No.
Your body can and will, run on meat alone in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I'm not saying you shouldn't eat the occasional potato--heavens no! Your energy Calories should come from wherever they can in a post-apocalyptic scenario, but for rebuilding the structural integrity of your body, you require meat, my friend. And I don't mean just protein. Go ahead and stock up on protein powder, but there's no fat in that, and you'll need the fat for energy. Don't worry, though--without accompanying carbs, you won't release enough insulin to store it as body fat, so dig in.
How old are you? Got that number in your head? Good. Remember it.
1) Do your age in pushups. If you're unprepared for that, do as many as you can, and THEN switch to your knees to finish off.
2) Do your age in SITUPS. Hook your toes under the couch, and get it done.
3) Do your age in JUMP SQUATS. Feet wide, land softly--like a ninja. Don't stop until you've done your age, though, no matter how badly it hurts. And it WILL hurt.
"But I'm 60!" Quit whining--that just means you've had longer to practice! Don't blame me for squandering the past 30 years, but don't try to get out of it, either, because when the zombies come knockin', they won't ask if you're too old to eat. They just eat.
Besides--the older we get, the more exercise we need. You may need to take a little break in there somewhere, especially on the jump squats, but make sure you're really pushing yourself.
Here, Russ Craber whistles for approaching zombies. He prefers a straight fight to all this sneaking around.
The Workout o' the Week is a 3-minute drill. Go through it 3 times, and you've still exercised less than 10 minutes!
20 sec pushups (from knees, eventually)
20 sec situps (by the end, you'll just be trying to get your shoulder blades off the ground)
20 sec shrugs
20 sec mountain climbers
20 seconds band curls
20 seconds jumping jacks to your heels (on the down stroke, touch your heels, not your thighs)
60 sec surfer pop-ups. Lie down on your stomach with your right hand forward and your left hand against your left hip. Pop up quickly into a standing position, and immediately lie back down. Switch hand positions after 30 seconds.
Now go...quickly! Before the zombies get here.
Russ Craber, MBA, CSCS, has always been concerned about a post-apocalyptic zombie scenario, and can train you for optimal living after the inevitable occurs. You would be well-advised to heed his advice.